Working as a children's ski instructor
has often led me to ponder the similarities to parenthood that the
job poses. In some regards, being a parent seems way more intense
and difficult than being an instructor, the big one being nighttime.
You see, I don't ever take any of these kids home with me! But other
aspects also seem much more difficult. To try to portray these
similarities and differences I will now give you a timeline of a
typical day for me here at Perisher Kids Ski School. And just to
give you an idea what I do everyday (it's not all parenting related).
Though to be honest, I'm picking a rather difficult day, the easy
days aren't as interesting.
630 Wake up. Every day no matter
what, I wake up at 630. My alarm is set for 659. Stupid internal
clock has been off all season. I lay in bed until the alarm goes
off...
659 the alarm goes off and I hit snooze
a few times. Hoping that through sheer strength of will I can slow
time enough to give me a few more minutes of sleep
730 realizing that I haven't fallen
back asleep and that I now have only a few minutes to get ready for
the day I jump out of bed.
735 do an ancient aboriginal wee wee
dance that simultaneously makes my housemate get out of the shower
and plugs the inevitable and uncontrollable flow of urin attempting
to burst through the Urethra Dam.
736 turn on all the hot water faucets
in the house
737 wait at the door to the bathroom as
Andy curses the insufficiency of our hot water heater
738 Release the flood! Groans of
relief emanate from my very soul
739 vow that tomorrow I will get out of
bed earlier so I can pee before Andy gets in the shower
740 do something else in the bathroom
745-750 now cram all the get ready for
the day stuff into a 6 minute scramble of frantic eating, dressing,
weather checking, and making mental notes to take out the trash after
work.
751 Power walk to the spot where my
carpool picks me up.
800 ponder about why I am always so
worried about being late for carpool even though not once all season
has my ride been on time.
805-825 Watch the kangaroos, emus,
echidnas, wombats, cows, horses, and sheep through the windows as we
drive through the snowy mountains to Perisher valley, all while
listening to Georgia giggle and tell stories about funny things she
has eaten and the times she weed in her pants. Georgia is still
drunk from last night
825-845 Play a game of locker room
twister. The catch is that while you are wrestling 100's of other instructors to get around the locker room you've got to
simultaneously be putting on all your ski gear and carrying
skis/snowboards around without killing each other. It's tight in
there...
850 Leave the locker room and cross the
bridge to line up. Silently curse the weather, because when I got
out of the car it was sunny, now it's raining.
855 go back into locker room to get
rain coat.
900 arrive at morning line up.
Supervisors tell us it's raining and to try to stay dry. Chuckle at
the funny joke, then realize it's not a joke. Learn assignment for
the day, die a little inside because I'm assigned to 5 year old beginners.
905 Rain coat is soaked all the way
through.
910 The masses encroach us as the gate
to let the parents and their children in is opened
915 Loose all hope that I will only
have a few children in my class, as the 9th kid walks up
with parents
915-945 This time is spent
simultaneously trying to calm down children who are suffering
severely from separation anxiety and parents who are suffering from
the same thing. Loosely organize the 47 children into three groups,
based on who is crying, who is wearing coat A or coat B, and who
isn't already throwing snowballs at me.
950 finally have groups sorted, only 13
kids in my class today, piece of cake. Now start the battle with
other instructors and their groups for the limited flat ground space
and teaching mattes.
1000 Start teaching
1001 Console crying child
1002 pick up 12 kids who are on the
ground
1003 late kid shows up
1004 put 21 gloves back on wet kids
that took them off, because they are wet
1005 pick up 9 kids who are on the
ground
1006 console crying child
1007 late kid shows up
1008 put 7 pairs of goggles on kids
1009 Re adjust 20 ski boots, it's not
the parents fault, they've never put on ski boots before either
1010 pick up more kids, back is already
sore
Well, from here lets just skip ahead a
little, this goes on for awhile
1100 For the first time all day, all 15
children have two skis on their feet, and they are all standing up at
the same time.
1101-1130 This is the time when I
attempt to teach children how to move around with skis on their feet.
Walking with skis on is super simple for me. You just have to stand
in a wide stance, bend your knees and ankles a little whilst
inclining your ankles to the inside so that each ski is in an edged
position while taking small steps forward. Simple, why can't they do
it. Three days later one kid will be able to do it. So...instead of
a group of kids that can independently move about, I push them around
one by one as we practice straight gliding in an insufficient space.
By this point every child has either asked if it's time to go home
yet, or told me they want mommy.
1130-1145 We play in the slush and
build a snowman...thingy.
1145-1215 I now have 30 glorious
minutes to walk 15 children through ankle deep slush, down a
precarious concrete staircase, and into a jam packed lunch room.
Take off 30 soaking mittens, 15 helmets, 15 ski school bibs, and 15
coats. Wring out all the gloves and put them in a dryer with 300
other soaking wet, snot filled, slobbery gloves and then get 15
drinks, lunches, and desserts for 15 children. Open wrappers, clean
up spills, cut food into pieces, make 7 sandwiches for the 7 kids who
don't want to eat what is for lunch today. Then clean everything up
while 150 children wrestle and fight over 5 toilets. Tell 9 kids
that they have to go to the toilet even if they don't have to. Zip
up 11 pant zippers, 6 of which are soaked in wee. Find all the
correct gloves out of the dryer. Find the 5 children who have yet to emerge from the toilets. Tell three parents they can't come in here
and no I don't know where Suzy is. She is not in my class. Before
putting all those clothes back onto 15 restless and soaking children
I attempt to eat my own lunch. Dress 15 kids back up into their
coats, bibs, helmets, goggles, neck warmers, and wetter than before
the dryer gloves. All this is done of course in a room so full of
people it feels like a Yo Gabba Gabba concert. True chaos.
1245 actually make it back to our skis,
but not until after 4 kids spot their parents and are now crying
uncontrollably.
1300 All kids now have skis on again,
start picking up all the kids that have fallen over while I have been
putting on the other kids' skis
1315 All kids are now at the top of the
magic carpet. Pick up all the kids who got there first and have
fallen over
1400 Since none of them can stop
themselves, I have finally finished taking them each down the hill
one at a time, putting them back on the magic carpet and hiking back
up the hill to bring down the next child. I am soaked through, now
it's mostly from the sweat. Every child has now had one go skiing
down the hill.
1430 By my estimations, I have now
picked up off the ground roughly 700 pounds of wiggly wet child meat.
My back is still sore. Two of the kids can stop in a wedge and make
it down by themselves. My sense of self worth and personal achievement break through the rain clouds in a ray of glorious pride
and relief
1435 The maximum threshold of 50%
crying children has been reached. So the skis come off and we do a
silly monkey train back inside to get some hot Milo. Once inside
proceed to take off 30 wet gloves and 15 helmets. Serve 15 cups of
Milo. clean up 5 spilled cups of Milo
1500 After running out of ways to keep
15 five year olds entertained while sitting at a table and getting
them all dressed again we head back outside. The rain has stopped,
and there is a small riotous crowd of parents forming around the
perimeter of the ski school learning area. They are all dry, they've
been inside all day.
1515 After getting each child one more
go down the hill as a good show tfor he crowd, we finally take off
our skis for the last time as parents are let in to collect their
children
1515-1530 I sign out the children to
their parents. I explain to three sets of parents that no, it would
not be a good idea to take your child up the chairlift, they still
cannot stop by themselves. One of those parents is upset and angry
and asks what we did all day if their kid can't even stop. Chase
down two parents who collected their children without signing them
out. For the most part parents and children are grateful at this
point, but of course it's the one parent that called you worthless
for not teaching their kid how to stop that resonates in my head for
the rest of the day.
1535 the last child is finally picked
up, all my desires to go free skiing after work now shattered, I head
back to locker room to play instructor twister again, this time though
everyone is soaked and the ski boot stench makes for a pleasant aroma
in the room.
1600 Now driving home we all share our
daily horror, unbelievable, and funny stories from the day. It's an
unintentional attempt to one up each other on who had the worst day.
Complain a little about Perisher and share ideas on how to make it
better. Personally, I feel a bit of failure, you just can't teach
much to a class of 15 five year olds on such a busy, rainy day. Make
a mental note that the first person to complain to me about the max
group size of 3 children at Canyons is going to get an unwelcome
reply from me in the form of laughing in their face.
1630 Stripped of all wet underclothes,
I am now asleep in bed. I will wake up in 45 minutes or so, and make
some delicious spaghetti. Then lounge around for awhile
2100 Go out with friends, watch silly
drunk people do stupid things, and take mental notes on who is
hooking up with who tonight, as the only sober person in town I have
way more gossip than anyone else!
2300 Go home, drunk people are getting
annoying
2330 Sleep, so I can do it all again
tomorrow.
Of course, on this particular day no kids just up and ran away. I didn't loose anyone because they followed the wrong instructor. No one fell off a chair lift (this only happens while getting on/off, not too serious). I didn't accidentally feed a kid food he is deathly allergic to. I didn't have to change any diapers and there were no code yellow/browns to deal with. So, it was actually a pretty dang good day! And you know what, I absolutely love it and can't imagine doing anything else! A child sliding down snow with a huge smile and cute giggles...priceless.
