Monday, July 5, 2010

Cocktails and Testicles.

So add to my Resume: cocktail waiter, bartender, and adult entertainer!

I'd leave this one to your imagination but your imagination is dirty, so I'll explain...

Maui has been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster for me this year. (ladies, for going through this on a completely insane yearly, monthly, daily, hourly, and whimsical have my sympathy, suckers) I came out here this year because I was promised a job with one of the sailing cruise companies. As this was the absolute ONLY reason or excuse I could possibly think of to move back to Maui, I was devastated, after being dragged along by that company for a month, when I learned that I didn't have a job there after all. So, I was pretty bummed as finding a job in Maui that doesn't involve throwing dirt or wiping tables isn't all that easy. So as I began the job search journey I mentally prepared myself for the terrible scenario of going back to Utah where rent doesn't cost a kidney and a testicle. (ouch...there is some validity to that overstatement in my case, consider this a teaser to keep reading!) But...the Utah scenarios I played out in my mind actually got me pretty excited to go back. Camping, Mtn. Biking, swimming in The Heywood's pool, Peach Days, carpet, dollar menus, etc. Wouldn't be that bad, I'd get to see friends and family, start that thing with my brother, go rafting and on that other trip I had planned, more etc.'s. So I was quite prepared to come back and a little excited even. But alas...I applied on Sunday, interviewed on Monday, started on Wednesday, and the following Monday I became first mate on the Kaulana of Maui. Yup, I got a job with Maui Cruise Co. We do snorkel and cocktail cruises. And since I look so dang good with my shirt off, I'm already first mate on one of our four boats. The snorkel cruise is pretty simple. We go to two different snorkel spots, one of them on Lanai. I prepare the boat, serve snacks, barbecue lunch, give snorkel lessons, lifeguard, dive and tie the moorings, just about everything except actually drive the boat. Then there is the cocktail cruises I do at night. These get interesting. (see the Office episode "The Booze Cruise" to get an idea of what I mean) On this cruise I am the bartender, yes there is a high level of Mormon boy amusement in this one. Learning how to mix drinks has been quite an adventure. Just add lots of liquor and get the color right and no one seems to care actually! It can be crazy hectic but fun too. The real fun starts though when dancing Dallon leaves the galley and gets the party started! We have a musician on board and most people are a little shy at first to get their booty shake on, so...Dancing Dallon gets out his mojo and goes to work. For the first few minutes of my attempts to get it going, the crazy tourists just take out their cameras and take pictures of the funny haole boy. But once they see how bad of a dancer I am they gain the courage to cut a rug of their own and soon it's a REAL booze cruise! Rocking boat + super liquored drinks made by naive mormon boy = hilarious drunk dancing tourists! It's science. I even got action from Big Boobs McGee while her husband took a picture! Ahhh, my new job is awesome. So I'm back to Plan A. Won't be home till around Thanksgiving. Oh, I also got a job as a personal trainer. Silly Hawaiians believe anything I tell them! haha

Well, I promised a testicle story. Mom, don't worry. I wouldn't be telling the story if I wasn't already completely healed and healthy. I hope. But everyone be warned, I will have to use potentially "not safe for work" words. So here it is...Surfing a few weeks ago I decided to be cooler than I really am and I walked the nose of my board. "Hanging Ten" for those of you in the know. I got out there and instead of impressing all the locals I suppressed my own locals. I slipped off the edge of my board turning it on edge and launching it straight up as I fell straight down. I believe this is know as a "straddling accident". While still underwater I let out a stream of profanity my mother will NEVER hear, or anyone else for that matter. But this really really really hurt! Sometimes "freaking heck" just doesn't carry nearly enough strength. But I surfaced out of the wave and VERY gingerly climbed back on my board. To save face and pride I caught a few more waves before I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I Paddled in, even more gingerly got on my bike, and went home. Just to discover a bloody stain covering the front of my boardies! Now, no self respecting man can refrain from at least going into minor shock at the realization that,at the moment, he could use a maxi pad. So I think I took this pretty well. I quickly checked online (be careful of that google search by the way) to find out what to do with penile bleeding due to massive blunt trauma. And called every nurse and doctor I know. But to keep this easy for the faint at heart... Two weeks later all the bruising is gone (place a purple balls joke here), I don't dread visits from Mr. Tinkles on account of the stinging pain anymore, and the bleeding has stopped. So with the exception of needing to replace about half my underoos and a new respect for the miracle of life, Everything is good... I sincerely and with all depths of my heart hope and pray that everything is good!

So, that's where I am in life. It's wonderful and I love it. I hope you are all well! Aloha!
More pictures to make you jealous:

This is our sweet ride complete with surfboards.

Must have coconuts!

Hiking on a cliff edge. Foliage is false security, it really was a cliff.

Dallon + Spear gun = Dead Baracuda!

A beach, and Stacie's legs.

Waves, sand, ukulele, campfire, friends. Nuf said.