Friday, January 20, 2012

Ranting and Raving.

 Is there, anywhere in this grand wide world, one single shopping cart with four good wheels on it?!  Seriously!  I've never used one.  Even when I try to find a good one that actually travels in a straight line when pushed my efforts are thwarted and I end up just using four of the baskets instead.  It's a great bicep workout carrying in my hands 50 pounds of cold cereal and tv dinners but come on!  Can't someone build a decent rolling shopping kart?

Who the heck invented a snooze button?  What a horrible thing.  Oh hey wake up!  But wait, maybe if you hit this button time while magically stop whilst you go back to sleep until you are sufficiently rested for the day.  Nope...BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEP!  You just barely fell back asleep well now wake up because guess what you're late now and have to eat breakfast in your car which of course you will spill all over yourself and look like a fool for the rest of the day and now since you have food all over yourself you're not going to get that client, or date, or promotion which of course will lead your life down a path of stubbed toes, bird poop, and stepping on gum that runs parallel to the cushy awesome path your life would have taken if SNOOZE buttons didn't exist. 

Why hasn't anyone invented a sarcasm font for keyboards and cell phones?  Can I do it?  If I create a font will you all unanimously accept it as the worldwide written media for when I email you that of course I will come over and help clean up the surprises your new puppy has left all over the yard, or agreeing with you when you tell me that Ashley is way prettier than Jessica and no way should the bachelor pick Rebecca because she just wants him for his money and Ashley's intentions are pure, or when I text you about how excited I am to go see Twilight with you and every roommate you've had over the past 8 years!  Because that would be great, this font is going to save my life someday.  For now...sarcasm will begin and end with this symbol ♣.  (alt. 5 on keypad)

 I may be doing something wrong here, but...NOT ONE of my kisses began with Kay...

I truly love America.  There is a guy out there that drives a big truck that comes to my house once a week and with this wicked awesome garbage arm of doom swiftly whisks away all the rubbish that I have accumulated and magically makes it disappear to some far off fantasy land.  Seriously, how great is that?  The garbage man and his truck are what make America so great. you really have to do it at 6 in the morning!?  That thing is LOUD!

Soap dispensers.  Awesome.  Gone are the gooped up soap dishes and bars of soap with all sorts of strange hairy objects stuck to them.  So nice.  But are they?  If I put soap on my toothbrush in an early morning stupor one more time, I'm getting a bar for the bathroom sink!  And I don't care whose short and curlys are stuck to it!

Halloween is awesome, A time for make believe, fun parties and so much candy you might as well just drill a hole in your tooth and fill it with a cavity beforehand.  But nowadays....congratulations, you are the holiday with the most alcohol related deaths. Boo.  Children of the world, I think you should occupy Halloween and reclaim your Holiday!

I love the law enforcement officers of the world.  I don't think they are all out to make our lives miserable like some do.  I am so grateful they stop dangerous, speeding motorists and are always there if I need assistance.  ♣And I am thankful for alcohol♣, for always being there to make sure the law enforcement agencies of world don't ever go out of business!  Ugh, how can being drunk be fun...I don't get it.  But for real, thanks for stopping scary speeding drivers and going to my nieces house when she is practicing calling 911.

Facebook is an awesome tool for several applications, like: keeping in touch with old friends who may live far away, , , , well ok just one really.  Remember when we humans didn't base our personal worth and self esteem on comments, messages, and...likes?  Ever seen the movie Wall-E?  Perfect prediction of social interaction of the future.  ♣Way to go facebook!♣

Can someone explain 3D movies to me?  Isn't the REAL world in 3D?  Couldn't I just go play catch with a ball or frisbee if I want to know what it's like to see things flying through the air at me?  I'll save my ten bucks and watch the old school 2D thanks.

If I start a petition to ban Old Navy commercials, will anyone sign it?  Please.

I recently watched Puss In Boots, and thus, I will now be speaking like Antonio Banderez...forever.  Ladies, you may now fall in love with me...

Dear Sportscenter, Poker is NOT a sport.  Ugh.

In an episode of Friends that I recently watched.  29 year old Ross Geller refused a glass of chocolate milk.  When Joey asked him why he didn't want it, Ross replied sarcastically, "Because I'm 29!"  As a 29 year old, I am VOWING to always love chocolate milk!  Stupid Ross.

Do all you people that got maced, mauled, frozen, and trampled on black Friday know that you can use a computer to buy all those things right from your own room at ANY time of day and have a nice man bring them right to your house for you!  It's called the internet!  Google it.  I just feel it's my duty to save you from such useless agony.  Your welcome.

Feel free to add your rantings and ravings in the comment section!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

2011 Year in Review.

Quite literally, I could copy and paste my review from last year, and make very few changes.  Actually, that's the case for the last three years now.  Like before, I started this year living in Canyon Rim at the base of Parleys Canyon and working at The Canyons.  Except now it's just called Canyons.  I did earn my PSIA level 2 certification which means I've officially gone from deadbeat ski bum to semi-legitimate ski industry professional.  Mostly though, it's a big pay raise and I ski more and teach less.  I was able to ski Jackson Hole which was a long time coming and totally worth it, I fully plan on returning this year.  I met a lot of new friends this year.  Which is exciting but also strange to me since I've pretty much had the same group of friends since 9th grade.  Those friends are still around, they just have a hard time finding babysitters so they can come play with me!  I made it to Moab twice where I took a group down the river and made the mistake of riding a $5k demo mountain bike and now my own bike feels like an antique tinker toy.  I've never charged so hard, it was incredible.  Porcupine Rim trail at an average speed of 31mph!  At the end of the ski season I once again moved to Maui.  But not before finally making it to Havasupai.  After 4 previous failed attempts, Reed, Derrek, Sterling and I drove down, hiked in, swam around, and hiked out.  It was a 2011 highlight for sure.  Before arriving in Maui I spent a few weeks on the Big Island with my parents.  That was a great time.  I was able to swim with dolphins again and went scuba diving at night with giant manta rays.  Epic!  Maui this year was mostly work and less play.  Although the summer swells were ridiculously legendary.  I was on my shortboard most of the time compared to usually longboarding most of the time.  So the surfing was better than ever.  And in all honestly, working out there pretty much is playing.  My job hit rock bottom twice though when we lost a coworker then a few months later a passenger.  It is a small consolation to know Tyler and Mr. Miner both left doing something they loved so much.  I did have more shark encounters than usual which is always exciting, and Josh and Audrey finally made it out to visit us.  We did a lot of surfing, scuba diving, hiking, spear fishing, snorkeling and all the other stuff people do in Maui.  It was a good time.  Reed got married in 2011 which pretty much means I win the bet we made as seniors in high school.  No one else had me picked to be the lone man standing.  Couldn't be more pleased with his choice in wife though.  I've come full circle again and made it back to the snowless, inverted air, dreary Utah.  It's always good to be back on the mountain though, even if there is NO snow.  Can't deny that even though I missed Utah all summer, I can't stop thinking about and missing Maui right now.  I have two new nephews this year, bringing the total to 18.  My sister is still trying to get me on the Bachelor.  Implying of course, that I still am one.  That really is about it for the year.  I'm hoping and planning that New Zealand, Bali, and Thailand will be in 2012.  As well as a small business license, a head coaching gig, and a few more PSIA certs under my belt.  Mostly this year is a big blank page.  My plans for the future are more vague now I think than they ever have been.  Which is a little unsettling, but also a bit exciting as well.  I have some plans and goals that I am excited about and this year has the potential to be much different than the last three have been.  Here we go!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The New Years Kiss.

For the next several weeks we will all be scribbling out the 11 at the end of 20 and re-writing a 12 every time we write the day down, so even though it is just another day, it is kind of a special day.  It is the first day of the last year of the existence of us all.  Unless of course...the Mayans couldn't find a round rock big enough and simply ran out of room when they got to the year 2012.  So even if this isn't the beginning of the end, it is the day when we all look for a new beginning, a fresh start, and hope that things will be a bit better than the last year.  We make resolutions, and we make resolutions to keep our resolutions.  We remember the things that have happened and look forward to the things that will happen.  It is...the first day after last year, The New Year!
Personally, I don't get too caught up in the day other than a fun excuse to get together with family and friends and pretend to be cultured by drinking sparkling apple juice out of plastic wine glasses and watching washed up reality stars and bad lip synching on TV.  Speaking of lips, there is always that hope of a new years kiss as well!  I actually read on the news that dating website memberships increase dramatically this time of year.  No one wants to start out the new year alone!  I don't blame them.  So, let me divulge some wisdom from my "new years for dummies" autobiography.  Because apparently I fancy myself as some sort of kissing jedi master, as this is the second time I've written about the topic.

If you are planning a new years kiss at the stroke of midnight there are some things to remember.  First, make sure he/she is interested.  The very first new years I had as a member of the motor vehicle operators club (I was 16) I was with a girl whom I thought I was dating.  Thought being a key word.  A problem I still have to this day actually.  But come on, we held hands at the lights on Temple Square!  Anyway, I was planning on sealing the deal for the first time with my lady at the stroke of midnight on new years eve.  This was going to be a first kiss for her, for me with her, and my first new years smooch.  So it was a pretty big deal!  I couldn't think of a better time.  At the party, my pits ran like a leaky faucet I was so nervous.  I never let her get too far away, I had to be sure we were close when the countdown began.  Like a hawk I circled the party with giddy anticipation of the kiss to come.  The strangeness of her obvious attempts at avoidance had yet to compute in my single tracked mind.  She obviously noticed my conniving demeanor because soon we were in my car driving to her home to get some important object she had forgotten...FALSE.  We did actually drive all the way across my huge hometown and back.  PLENTY of time for her to explain to me that she...just wanted to be friends.  BOOM.  Just like that. this is what they mean when they say wind out of the sails.  I spent the countdown at my grandmas house that year.  Dejected and lonely.  Fail.  (in retrospect though, that time with Gma was way more valuably spent)  But the lesson is, make sure first.

Also, it may be a good idea to make sure you are in good health.  In my latter years, I have annually spent the switch from year to year in a miserable state of gushing nostrils.  I credit this to dramatic climate change and SLC winter air.  So when I kissed that poor girl as the ball dropped, I was unaware of how extra wet this kiss would be.  Bless her heart she didn't react, but the indisputable fact remains, that my nose was more moist (that ones for you Christie) than my lips.  Yeah I know, GROSS!  So, if you've got snot gushing out of your nostrils, keep it on your own upper lip, no one wants to share that.  Dear recipient, if you're reading this, I'm sorry!

The nose subject brings up a whole different issue.  I have actually noticed that my most read blog post in recent weeks is this one:  Dallon's 5 Step Guide To Kissing for People with Big Noses.  This is good.  I'm glad you guys are planning ahead by studying up before your big kiss this new years!

Then of course there is the year that girl emerged from the shadows, unannounced and unnamed...with hands grasped behind my neck and firmly but with the softest lips, planted on me the most exciting new years kiss I've ever had.  Just as quickly as she came though...she was gone. The girl in the red dress, out of my life forever.  I still dream, that when I am old and small on a cold new years eve my future wife will giggly tell me about the time she kissed some handsome, random boy at a party, and left him speechless and twitterpated in the crowd.  She will tell me that that night...she was wearing her favorite red dress!  I have often thought I would try that, and to this day...have never had the courage to kiss a stranger on new years eve.  But wear a red dress, and I might be a hero on this new years eve!

There is also the incident when, as a joke, I kissed a friend as we counted down with full on dip and everything, I had to chase her down first as she seemed to know what was coming.  The problem was, as I later found out, this poor friend had never actually been kissed before and now sadly counts that as her first kiss.  I feel kinda bad about that.  I'm not 100% sure, but I think I am now the only person to kiss her besides her husband.  Oops!  So...make sure you are not going to ruin someones first kiss experience with a joking surprise new years kiss!

My few other new years kiss experiences didn't quite produce lessons worth learning, but this doesn't change the fact that midnight kisses on new years eve, are some of the best around!

I stopped writing this post about ten days ago, well before the new year...but just picked it back up today. I originally had high hopes and great expectations for the moment the calender switches, but...the new year is here now, and I celebrated east coast's new years and then went to bed around 11 o'clock.  I would site my age as the excuse but really I was just all sick again and didn't want to swap snot with any unfortunate lady.  I do hope however that your new years was more eventful, and wish you all the very best for 2012!  Happy Smooching!