Ranting and Raving.

 Is there, anywhere in this grand wide world, one single shopping cart with four good wheels on it?!  Seriously!  I've never used one.  Even when I try to find a good one that actually travels in a straight line when pushed my efforts are thwarted and I end up just using four of the baskets instead.  It's a great bicep workout carrying in my hands 50 pounds of cold cereal and tv dinners but come on!  Can't someone build a decent rolling shopping kart?

Who the heck invented a snooze button?  What a horrible thing.  Oh hey wake up!  But wait, maybe if you hit this button time while magically stop whilst you go back to sleep until you are sufficiently rested for the day.  Nope...BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEP!  You just barely fell back asleep well now wake up because guess what you're late now and have to eat breakfast in your car which of course you will spill all over yourself and look like a fool for the rest of the day and now since you have food all over yourself you're not going to get that client, or date, or promotion which of course will lead your life down a path of stubbed toes, bird poop, and stepping on gum that runs parallel to the cushy awesome path your life would have taken if SNOOZE buttons didn't exist. 

Why hasn't anyone invented a sarcasm font for keyboards and cell phones?  Can I do it?  If I create a font will you all unanimously accept it as the worldwide written media for when I email you that of course I will come over and help clean up the surprises your new puppy has left all over the yard, or agreeing with you when you tell me that Ashley is way prettier than Jessica and no way should the bachelor pick Rebecca because she just wants him for his money and Ashley's intentions are pure, or when I text you about how excited I am to go see Twilight with you and every roommate you've had over the past 8 years!  Because that would be great, this font is going to save my life someday.  For now...sarcasm will begin and end with this symbol ♣.  (alt. 5 on keypad)

 I may be doing something wrong here, but...NOT ONE of my kisses began with Kay...

I truly love America.  There is a guy out there that drives a big truck that comes to my house once a week and with this wicked awesome garbage arm of doom swiftly whisks away all the rubbish that I have accumulated and magically makes it disappear to some far off fantasy land.  Seriously, how great is that?  The garbage man and his truck are what make America so great.  But...do you really have to do it at 6 in the morning!?  That thing is LOUD!

Soap dispensers.  Awesome.  Gone are the gooped up soap dishes and bars of soap with all sorts of strange hairy objects stuck to them.  So nice.  But are they?  If I put soap on my toothbrush in an early morning stupor one more time, I'm getting a bar for the bathroom sink!  And I don't care whose short and curlys are stuck to it!

Halloween is awesome, A time for make believe, fun parties and so much candy you might as well just drill a hole in your tooth and fill it with a cavity beforehand.  But nowadays....congratulations, you are the holiday with the most alcohol related deaths. Boo.  Children of the world, I think you should occupy Halloween and reclaim your Holiday!

I love the law enforcement officers of the world.  I don't think they are all out to make our lives miserable like some do.  I am so grateful they stop dangerous, speeding motorists and are always there if I need assistance.  ♣And I am thankful for alcohol♣, for always being there to make sure the law enforcement agencies of world don't ever go out of business!  Ugh, how can being drunk be fun...I don't get it.  But for real, thanks for stopping scary speeding drivers and going to my nieces house when she is practicing calling 911.

Facebook is an awesome tool for several applications, like: keeping in touch with old friends who may live far away, , , , well ok just one really.  Remember when we humans didn't base our personal worth and self esteem on comments, messages, and...likes?  Ever seen the movie Wall-E?  Perfect prediction of social interaction of the future.  ♣Way to go facebook!♣

Can someone explain 3D movies to me?  Isn't the REAL world in 3D?  Couldn't I just go play catch with a ball or frisbee if I want to know what it's like to see things flying through the air at me?  I'll save my ten bucks and watch the old school 2D thanks.

If I start a petition to ban Old Navy commercials, will anyone sign it?  Please.

I recently watched Puss In Boots, and thus, I will now be speaking like Antonio Banderez...forever.  Ladies, you may now fall in love with me...

Dear Sportscenter, Poker is NOT a sport.  Ugh.

In an episode of Friends that I recently watched.  29 year old Ross Geller refused a glass of chocolate milk.  When Joey asked him why he didn't want it, Ross replied sarcastically, "Because I'm 29!"  As a 29 year old, I am VOWING to always love chocolate milk!  Stupid Ross.

Do all you people that got maced, mauled, frozen, and trampled on black Friday know that you can use a computer to buy all those things right from your own room at ANY time of day and have a nice man bring them right to your house for you!  It's called the internet!  Google it.  I just feel it's my duty to save you from such useless agony.  Your welcome.

Feel free to add your rantings and ravings in the comment section!