Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dallon's 5 Step Guide to Kissing for People with Big Noses.

From years of personal experience, I now share with you these proven and trusted techniques!
  1. If the person you would like to smooch wears glasses, make sure they are removed first.  Use a line like, "You're eyes are like a window to the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen, let me take away the glass so I can see into them better..." Then slowly and gently remove the glasses, and make your move.  This will avoid broken glasses, broken noses, and awkward misses.
  2. Try the upside down kiss.  This will hopefully be enough to get your huge schnoz out of the way.  However, if either of you have pointy chins this may backfire, so do some facial evaluation on yourself and the recipient beforehand.  Try the behind the couch approach, the laying on top bunk method, or of course, if you happen to have superhuman spider skills from a beneficial mutant spider bite then you can try the spiderman method.  Just don't forget, that with great power comes great responsibility!
  3. Make sure the kissee has closed eyes before moving in for the succulent softness.  This is usually a given but to avoid the painful eye gouge lightly brush your hands over the eyelids to close them right before the action begins.  Say. "I have a surprise for you" right after a soft sushing.  Beware though, if your snout is extraordinarily mongo, then some uncomfortable eye pressure may still occur.  
  4. Although it's about as attractive as the inside of a cowry, you can attempt the super pucker.  Pucker your lips to such an extent that lip to lip contact may be made at the greatest distance possible.  This will help get your snout at least a little out of the way.  Probably may want to incorporate number 3 in to this one as well, on account of you're not going to want him/her to actually see what your doing.  Then again, the naive, don't know how to kiss technique is cute to some people...maybe it'll work for you, it does in the movies right?
  5. If the normal slight head tilts in opposite directions isn't quite enough to avoid a full frontal assault on your victims face, you may have to increase your head tilt to an excessive degree.  The length of your trunk will directly effect the angle of tilt that will be necessary, as well as the width of your partners face.  Use the following formula to calculate safe and appropriate head tilt angles.  You will first have to measure your nose length and your partner's face width.  Do it when their sleeping...creepy, but necessary.
HTA = NL³(Á¾)/FW√π  ± 90°  

           Once you have calculated the correct head tilt angle,
           use this chart to visually inspect how far to the side
           you will have to tilt your head to safely get your nose in
           far enough to make lip contact.

Good luck and happy smooching!  For personal assistance or for some one on one technique practice, I may be contacted at the following email:

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Dallon's First Day of Snowboarding!

To celebrate the passing of my skiing exam, I decided to finally try snowboarding!  Ever since I can remember my friends have been trying to convince me to come to the dark side and I have always held firmly to my skiing roots.  Not wanting to disrespect the ski gods and sell out in any way, I have never seriously tried snowboarding.  Until now.  There was a time several years ago on a ski trip to Colorado when I broke a binding and while my ski was in the shop, I put on someones snowboard to burn the time until my ski got fixed.  So for a couple of hours I tried it, on a rope tow.  I wasn't good.  So last Saturday when I went with John and Christie (thanks guys!) I was pleasantly surprised that all those years of poaching snowboard lessons by listening to instructors as I passed them overhead on a ski lift seemed to pay off.  I didn't completely suck, but by no means did I tear it up either!  I might have actually torn some muscles though!  Apparently I have really learned how to fall well on skis because I have done some massive falling and haven't come close to getting hurt as bad as I did snowboarding!  Holy crap, it really is true what they say about being sore after learning to snowboard, 4 days later I still can't rotate my shoulder back.  Wow, I caught that toe edge and took a face plant that any blooper reel would proudly boast of.  I thought everything was broken from my nose to my ribs and probably some internal bleeding too.  It wasn't that bad, but I really haven't felt that much pain in a LONG time.  The irony is that 20 minutes earlier I told John that I'm getting too confident and I'm going to eat it real hard soon to bring my pride back down.  It was a good experience for me though, now I can relate a little better to people that I teach how to ski.  I had forgotten how formidable a ski hill can look.  I have taken for granted the fact that on skis, for me, it's super simple to get down a hill.  Those gentle bunny hill slopes never looked so steep before!  It was very humbling being the beginner again.  All in all, it was a good time and I'll go again.  But don't worry...I'll always be a skier!

I need baggier pants, so I can look super steezy!
My snowboarding coaches!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Jackson Hole

Last week I went to Jackson Hole.  The excuse was a PSIA-I level 2 ski assessment, but the real reason was to ski an incredible mountain that I have only looked upon during the snowless summer and longingly wished that someday I could slide it's wintery slopes.  That wish came true, and it was oh so worth it!  The key points from this little foray into Wyoming skiing:
  • Jackson Hole has some of the best in-bounds terrain and the sweetest back country terrain I have ever skied.  Every run had some huge cliff to huck or steep pitch to tackle.  I will always defend my homeland Utah and our amazing snow, but only the Bird, Alta, and The Basin can even come close to comparing for terrain.  The mountain is literally a snowballs throw away from Grand Teton National Park after all.  We skied the mountain on our first day there, and had to take the test the next day, but still got lots of time to free ski.
This is the view from the top of the tram looking west.

The view looking south, Grand Tetons.

  • I got to ski and stay with this guy. His name is AJ.  He is good, very good.  Sponsored by Volkl good.  It was fun to ski with someone that much better than me again, it always helps my own skiing.
This is AJ on the trail map cover.
This is the view from his house where we stayed in Teton Village.

  • The Apres ski life in Jackson is much more happening than at Canyons.  Much younger and way more alcoholic too.  For example, one of the days we were there was the annual beer slide competition.  You slide a beer mug across a table to a teammate who has to catch and chug it before running to other side to slide the next mug.  Bonus points are awarded for sweet tricks and handle catches.  The only girl team won, it was hilarious...and would have been completely taboo in Utah.  The gratuitous cleavage may have swayed the judges in their favor though...
Beer slide competition at the base of the tram.
  • I do not however condone this type of alcoholic consuming behavior.  In fact, the whole trip was another self conviction of why I don't drink.  The only thing the guys I was with did, besides ski, was drink.  It was mildly humorous but on a whole mostly obnoxious.  I have no problem with being the DD and an occasional bar, but I don't think a serious drinker and I could really be BFFs.

  • I have always wanted to try and move to Jackson, and this little trip reaffirmed that desire.  It's a very cool town and the vibe around Teton Village is really fun, not to mention the awesome mountain and surfable rafting river.  I am more determined than ever to make it happen.  My previous plan of living in a tent is completely socially accepted.  I will however, have to grow a grizzly beard and get a large dog if I ever want to completely fit in. 
Like these people...
  •  I am a very careful driver when it comes to speeding.  Long ago I learned that horrendous insurance and ticket prices just weren't worth getting to the red light 30 seconds faster.  So I try very hard not to do it.  Which is why getting pulled over and ticketed on the way to Jackson is so frustrating.  The ONE time on the whole four hour drive that I was speeding...and boom, ticket.  I'm not complaining, I know it's against the law to speed and I'm glad there are cops to enforce that.  I'm just annoyed that at the one tiny stretch of straight road in that canyon I happen to speed past a waiting officer...  Oh well. 

  •  I learned a new word...  Steezy.  I couldn't tell at first if being "steezy" was a good or a bad thing.  The way the hip kids I was with were using it to describe others made it difficult to decipher.  After an urban dictionary definition I am still not sure...
    • Steezy:
      describes a skier/snowboarder bum who wears tall tee's, baggy snowpants (usually of the neon variety), and bandanas. Hangs out in the park all day with other steezy riders.
      There is also another definition that describes it more as a style of skiing/riding that I rather prefer.  It involves skiing with STYLE and making it look EASY....STEEZY.  I use the word quite frequently now.
      GOOD Steezy
      BAD Steezy
      • Oh yeah... I also passed my ski exam while I was there!  Yay me!  
      My score sheet.  Just barely made it

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Dear Facebook people.  Please "like" this photo I took today of one of my students in ski school after he fell in the powder, it was hilarious!  I win a watch or something...  You have to add them (Utah Outside) as friends first though...  Thanks!

Click HERE to go to Utah Outsides' facebook page and "like" it.

Work today was awesome!  Knee deep on me, thigh deep on them.  I love my job...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Goings On.

 So I've been told that you don't read my blog because the things I write are too long.  So instead of writing about the goings on of late, I will just show you.  To all of you with short attention spans like're welcome.  For all the things I didn't take pictures of, you will live on only in my memory.  Enjoy.

Tauna and I went go-kart racing!  I totally lapped her twice!

Lane and Tara got hitched!  So we did this...

 Tubing at Soldier Hollow!

 Did you know that there is FOOD at Ikea?!  What a big fun store!

 This was our snowshoeing adventure in Logan Canyon.

 We blew up some stuff.  And tried to get Reed stuck in the mud.

Grizzlies game!

Just one of my classes from the Ski Utah program.

  Tauna's first ski lesson!  She rocked.

On a windy day at The Canyons we didn't want to bother so we went up Parleys somewhere to ride some rails,  then this crazy group drove by.


The annual super bowl party at my sister's house.

Shredding with Tera and Dread Jake. Tera is super steezy in her onezy.
 Midge and I hiked to Donut Falls!  Then slid back down on my shovel.

Pizza party at the neighbors house!  Mmmm, pizza.


Rachel, Midge, and I went snowshoeing up one of the Forks in Big Cottonwood.  We halted the hike on account of Midge's pending death and built a snow cave instead.  Super Cozy!

Also, trying to get pictures and text into a blog is super un-user friendly.  Life goes on.