Friday, July 29, 2011

Talkin' Story

Story 1:
To begin this story, I must begin about 1 month ago when I was in Oahu working on a boat in dry dock.  After work one day our boss mentioned that the marine supply store nearby had a killer deal on Topsiders so we went over there and about 6 of us all bought ourselves some super sweet new boat shoes.  I was actually pretty stoked on the find, since I did actually need some closed toe aquatic kicks.  Upon our triumphant return to Maui, we told all our non-dry-dock-worker co-workers that our boss had bought us the shoes, to make them all super jealous.  It worked...suckers.
Weeks later...I was showing Reed how to turn off the generator so I was lying prone over the engine hatch in a very vulnerable position when silly Rackel (Raquel when she's acting 13 years old = Rackel) in a jealous rage decided to steal my stinky Top Sider right off my disgusting feet and tried to hide it.  The ingenious hiding spot she found was on top of a slip post (the post between two boats we tie the lines too and works as bumpers)  Rackel put my shoe up ontop the post in a giggly rant when suddenly she watched the shoe vanish.  It just wobbled there and suddenly poof...gonzo shoe.  As the furious wrath of Dallon ran through her mind Rackel screamed, panicked and...Blamo!  Fell right on her pooter!  At this point all the commotion caught my attention and I first thought she dropped my shoe in the harbor, a funny prospect in my mind because I knew she would have to go into that nasty cesspool to retrieve the lost footwear.  But alas, the terror on her face was much worse than the prospect of taking a nasty dip.  I began asking where my shoe was, and about this time...Whammy!  She fell over again. (this is why we wear nice boat shoes)  At this point I didn't really care where my shoe was, watching Rackel have a complete meltdown and completely loose control of her body functions was so hilarious it was completely worth whatever fate had befallen my foot's best pal.  Eventually, Rackel was able to pull herself out of her giddy fright and let me know that this particular pole...didn't have a top, and is very hollow.  There it was, down 20 feet or so at the bottom of a nasty, rusty, grimy, pole.  So the real adventure began as we contrived ways to retrieve the fallen shoe.  Reed, already having lost some of my footwear in the past, was especially eager to help.  So after several failed attempts, we combined IQs and derived a plan that involved allen wrenches duct taped to a pole in the fashion of a grappling hook tied to a rope with a few flashlights.  And after only a few heartpounding minutes...Timmy was pulled from the well!  Yay!  I got my shoe back!  With only some rust stains to show for it's brave journey into the depths, my shoe returned triumphantly to the sunlight and to me!  And for good show, Rackel fell over one more time, this time out of pure glee!  It was downright hilarious!

Seriously!?  You dropped my shoe down there!?
Yay!  Foot and shoe reunited!
Story 2:
As part of the snorkeling boat adventure we provide here at Lahaina Cruise Company, every trip on the Island Princess we put into the water a big floating water trampoline.  It's definitely a favorite among the the tourons.  One of the most often asked questions we get within the first five seconds of the trip, is: "You are going to put the trampoline in the water right?!".    So, out there at windy Olowalu Bay after the peoples are all in the water snorkeling we untie the trampoline from the top of the boat, lower it into the water, and tie it to the back of the boat.  On this particular day though, the gusty trade winds were a blowing something fierce!  So the captain had lowered the buoyant bounciness and I was holding the line letting the thing slowly drift away to a safe distance so I could tie it off.  Mother nature though, decided that I needed to try parasailing again and with one gusty wind...the trampoline was completely airborne!  Now, most of you have probably seen my "turn sideways and disappear" trick, so you know that I am not know for my girth.  So, it should come as no surprise to hear that my attempts at anchoring the now airborne buoyant bounciness, were completely in vain.  I was instantly lifted off the swim deck, over the laughing snorkelers, over the honu, and quite some distance later I returned to earth with a big splash!  It was only my second time parasailing but was surely more entertaining than the first time!  Everyone who saw was pleased at my misfortune and I still get teased for it.  Luckily, I had learned long ago to never carry anything that can't get wet!

The Island Princess and the trampoline.

Aka, my sail.

Story 3:
Ok, I realize I'm kinda wordy when I talk story, so I'll wrap this one up quick.  When I was a young lad, I made a pact with myself that I would never work in the food industry.  I have only broken that pact twice.  The first one was right out of high school when I worked at Beaver Mtn.  All the free skiing made it worth it.  The second time is now.  While working the snorkel cruises I do cook up some BBQ for the tourons, and I tend bar on the cocktail and dinner cruises.  Again...totally worth it.  But to remain true to myself I am always making a big deal about NOT serving while on the dinner cruise.  I make excuses all the time why it would not be a good idea for me to work as a server.  Bartender ok, server...bad news.  The other day I decided to illustrate my point.  When I get a break at the bar I sometimes help the servers by busing some tables for them.  So, I was carrying a large tray full of plates and whatnot down a skinny isle full of people on a rocking boat when...wack!  I kicked a chair leg and made a full on deck inspection with my face!  Of course I was way up in the front of the boat where everyone can see when I decided to trip and fall on my face.  But, I'll have you know...I didn't drop a single item off that tray!  It all went in slow motion.  I knew I was going down because there was nothing but tourons to grab onto with my free hand and I knew I couldn't ditch the tray without a touron casualty.  So to save the innocent, I took the brunt of the fall with my own body.  For my courage though, I was awarded with some bloody body parts, and cheers from all the passengers.  I collected myself and bounced right up with the exclamation, "I'm ok!" and the applause ensued.  I even received some positive accolades in the comment section of the surveys from the tourons!  They were very gratefull for the free entertainment!  So I'm not sure how this will effect my resistance to serving...I totally tripped and made a complete fool of myself, but on the other hand, I didn't drop anything from my tray...  Hopefully, the trip proves my worth as a bartender, and ONLY a bartender... Whatever the case though, it was hilarious, and it really made Rackel's day. 

And speaking of bartending.  I came one step closer to achieving the goal I never had today.  I passed my bar managers exam and am now a fully certified bar manager in the state of Hawaii.  Yay!...ugh.  Really all this means is I'm the one in trouble if any liquor laws are violated.  Oh goody.

And just for fun...I swam from the Hyatt to the Weston and ran back on the beach tonight, with this as my background...Aloha!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dear Tourons:

So, without fail something will happen every day that completely amazes me at work.  It is usually something quite hilarious but during the moment I can't acknowledge the hilarity of the moment, so I share with you all here, a letter that I address to the source of these moments...the moronic tourists, aka The Tourons.

Dear Tourons:

  •  Your snorkel mask works just fine, user error on this one buddy.
  • Just because you consider yourself a person of privilege, that doesn't mean that I do.
  • If you are too occupied to listen to me announce very loudly through a microphone where the bathrooms are located, and too retarded to find them on your own on a boat the size of a tennis court, then you deserve to pee your pants.
  • If you have never been swimming before...jumping off of a boat in the middle of the ocean is not a good place to try it for the first time!
  • No.  That is NOT Japan.
  • You're older and therefore infinitely wiser than me in every way, so go ahead and ignore me when I tell you the rules that will keep you alive. Sure, don't wear fins, get swept away in the ocean currents you know nothing about.
  • Children wait patiently in line better than you do.
  • Maui is not floating.
  • We're on a boat, is the middle of the deck really seem like the best place to vomit?
  • Yip, we're going to tie the boat to a palm tree.
  • Two life jackets, a swim belt, and 13 swim noodles ARE enough, I promise you're not going go sink.  
  • Is it cold?  Are there sharks?  Where are the dolphins?  Will you fix my mask?..All questions that will undoubtedly solicit a highly sarcastic response from me. Unless of course you are under the age of 12.
  • Sure, get mad at me because the waves are too big or the water is too murky to safely snorkel, I'll just go ahead and turn the waves off and clean out the ocean for you.  I'm sorry I didn't just do that before-hand for you.
    That all being said, mahalo tourons, for helping me get paid every day for doing what you are paying to do.  My job is awesome, I love it, and I love you. Aloha!