Dear Tourons:

So, without fail something will happen every day that completely amazes me at work.  It is usually something quite hilarious but during the moment I can't acknowledge the hilarity of the moment, so I share with you all here, a letter that I address to the source of these moments...the moronic tourists, aka The Tourons.

Dear Tourons:

•  Your snorkel mask works just fine, user error on this one buddy.
• Just because you consider yourself a person of privilege, that doesn't mean that I do.
• If you are too occupied to listen to me announce very loudly through a microphone where the bathrooms are located, and too retarded to find them on your own on a boat the size of a tennis court, then you deserve to pee your pants.
• If you have never been swimming before...jumping off of a boat in the middle of the ocean is not a good place to try it for the first time!
• No.  That is NOT Japan.
• You're older and therefore infinitely wiser than me in every way, so go ahead and ignore me when I tell you the rules that will keep you alive. Sure, don't wear fins, get swept away in the ocean currents you know nothing about.
• Children wait patiently in line better than you do.
• Maui is not floating.
• We're on a boat, is the middle of the deck really seem like the best place to vomit?
• Yip, we're going to tie the boat to a palm tree.
• Two life jackets, a swim belt, and 13 swim noodles ARE enough, I promise you're not going go sink.  
• Is it cold?  Are there sharks?  Where are the dolphins?  Will you fix my mask?..All questions that will undoubtedly solicit a highly sarcastic response from me. Unless of course you are under the age of 12.
• Sure, get mad at me because the waves are too big or the water is too murky to safely snorkel, I'll just go ahead and turn the waves off and clean out the ocean for you.  I'm sorry I didn't just do that before-hand for you.
 

That all being said, mahalo tourons, for helping me get paid every day for doing what you are paying to do.  My job is awesome, I love it, and I love you. Aloha!