Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dallon's 5 Step Guide to Kissing for People with Big Noses.

From years of personal experience, I now share with you these proven and trusted techniques!
  1. If the person you would like to smooch wears glasses, make sure they are removed first.  Use a line like, "You're eyes are like a window to the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen, let me take away the glass so I can see into them better..." Then slowly and gently remove the glasses, and make your move.  This will avoid broken glasses, broken noses, and awkward misses.
  2. Try the upside down kiss.  This will hopefully be enough to get your huge schnoz out of the way.  However, if either of you have pointy chins this may backfire, so do some facial evaluation on yourself and the recipient beforehand.  Try the behind the couch approach, the laying on top bunk method, or of course, if you happen to have superhuman spider skills from a beneficial mutant spider bite then you can try the spiderman method.  Just don't forget, that with great power comes great responsibility!
  3. Make sure the kissee has closed eyes before moving in for the succulent softness.  This is usually a given but to avoid the painful eye gouge lightly brush your hands over the eyelids to close them right before the action begins.  Say. "I have a surprise for you" right after a soft sushing.  Beware though, if your snout is extraordinarily mongo, then some uncomfortable eye pressure may still occur.  
  4. Although it's about as attractive as the inside of a cowry, you can attempt the super pucker.  Pucker your lips to such an extent that lip to lip contact may be made at the greatest distance possible.  This will help get your snout at least a little out of the way.  Probably may want to incorporate number 3 in to this one as well, on account of you're not going to want him/her to actually see what your doing.  Then again, the naive, don't know how to kiss technique is cute to some people...maybe it'll work for you, it does in the movies right?
  5. If the normal slight head tilts in opposite directions isn't quite enough to avoid a full frontal assault on your victims face, you may have to increase your head tilt to an excessive degree.  The length of your trunk will directly effect the angle of tilt that will be necessary, as well as the width of your partners face.  Use the following formula to calculate safe and appropriate head tilt angles.  You will first have to measure your nose length and your partner's face width.  Do it when their sleeping...creepy, but necessary.
HTA = NL³(Á¾)/FW√π  ± 90°  

           Once you have calculated the correct head tilt angle,
           use this chart to visually inspect how far to the side
           you will have to tilt your head to safely get your nose in
           far enough to make lip contact.

Good luck and happy smooching!  For personal assistance or for some one on one technique practice, I may be contacted at the following email:  happysnouts_XOXO@yeahright.com

3 comments:

Joan said...

You crack me up, Dallon!

Midge said...

Hey! The email doesn't work! LOL, Just kiddin' ;)

Elyse said...

That made me laugh for like 10 minutes.