The Walmart Effect Theory
I developed this theory at work on the boats. On a day when we have a small number of passengers, the people are almost always way more kind, pleasant, cool, and have a much more enjoyable experience than those who come aboard on a day when the boat is fully loaded. When there are lots of passengers on board, they have to wait in line to eat, get in the water, get out of the water, etc. They have to share a small space. I am a little more stressed due to 12 people at once telling me their masks don't work, and people are ignoring the swim with a buddy rule. So I'm a little less jovial as well. Their orneriness rubs off on me which is then reciprocated back on them. In other words...it's like going to Wal Mart. So no matter how perfect the day is, if there are too many people on the boat...The Wal Mart theory takes effect, and no one is as happy as they otherwise would have been.
The Kids These Days Theory:
Kids these days, a term that every generation has used. But I feel that as the speed of technological advancement increases, so does the generation gap. For example. Every day. EVERY day, on the boat, as we watch dolphins, see the fish fly, and swim with dolphins...some kid will have his nose glued to some sort of screen. I'm not a parent, so this is as far as I'll go, but it drives me nuts. Their favorite part of the trip is that we play Finding Nemo on the tv. ugh.
The Dating Theory.
Well obviously...I don't have one.
The Facebook Theory.
Some time in the not too distant future, researchers will look back in time and determine that the point at which humans began to de-evolve, loosing our voice boxes and ability to communicate verbally, was when facebook was invented.
The How to Talk to Girls Theory.
Pretend that they are tourists. Seriously. I can charm the tourons like I can blink my eyes. Step off the boat though, and try to talk to a pretty girl...nope, I'm a bumbling idiot. So...pretend they are tourists. Boom.
The vacationing IQ Theory.
Do the fish cause the waves? Is that Japan? How long does it take to swim under Maui? Is that huge ship (pointing at the 30 foot fishing boat) a cruise ship?
These are all questions I was asked just this week by tourists. I am now convinced that when people go on vacation, the part of their brain that controls common sense fully shuts down, thus temporarily lowering their IQ. At least 10 people every trip tell me that their snorkel doesn't work. A snorkel is just a hollow tube, it has no moving parts at all. I will take the snorkel from them and hand them a new, identical one. Every day someone will puke all over the boat, then tell me that they always get motion sick but didn't think it would be a problem today. Every day people come on board and tell me they can't swim. (it's a snorkel trip!) And every time, there is someone that will swim 100 yards back to the boat to get another squirt of anti fog (it's baby shampoo) in their masks because it isn't working and they can't see, instead of taking the mask off, and dunking it in the water. It's hilarious. People on vacation are scientifically less intelligent...
The White People Are Better Swimmers Theory.
While writing the previous theory seconds ago, I remembered this one. I sure hope this doesn't offend anyone, I mean absolutely no racial disrespect. I am merely commenting on my observations. White people though, are better swimmers than all others. In order from best swimmers to worst swimmers goes like this. White, Black, Mexican, Asian, Indian. Seriously. If there are Asians or Indians on the boat, we just know who to give the life jackets to and who we need to keep an eye on. Of course this is a generalization and there are exceptions.
The Hot Girl Theory.
Have you ever seen an unbelievably attractive person...holding hands with a complete bozo? I think we have all thought at least once "how did that guy/girl get that girl/guy!?" And do you remember that girl from high school that was SOOOOO hot, but she never dated anyone and never went to any school dances? Well here is the theory. It is possible to be too attractive. The reason the hot girl was always dateless is because her sheer beauty scared all the boys away. We all just assumed that we didn't have a shot so we didn't even make an attempt. It was the "she's out of my league" effect. But, remember the hotties that are all with the notties? So, an average person can totally end up with the hottie of their dreams if they just give it a shot!
The Work Ethic Theory:
This one also comes from work. Here in Maui, I have very easily and quickly worked my way to top of every place of employment I've had. That is especially true at my current job working for Lahaina Cruise Co. I became first mate on the Kaulana after two weeks. Essentially becoming the most trusted and reliable employee of the company. But...I had never worked on a boat, or done any bar-tending in my entire life and just like that...I was in charge of both. Reed, had a very similar experience when he got a job with me this year too. The reason this has happened? Work Ethic. I just work hard, remain reliable, and do a good job. These experiences have led me to wonder why I seem to have such a stronger work ethic than most people I work with. I have attributed it to my upbringing. Two things: One, my parents. Simply put, they taught me how to work. My Dad always had at least three jobs and I recognized that sacrifice and effort he put in. I was always given chores and jobs to do and felt accomplished and proud when I did a good job. Two, my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints... On my second day in Maui a few years ago, I was given a job as a journeyman (something I had never done) from someone I had never met, simply because he knew I was a member of the Church. The theory is this: no matter who you are or what you know, you can be successful by simply working hard. I make a living doing the things I love to do, by working hard. It's awesome. I'm grateful to have been taught that.
