Dallon's Guide to Staying Not Fat.

All you need to know about staying thin.  Part One of One.

First of all, eat whatever the heck you want whenever you want.  You don't have to count calories, or carbs, or grams of anything.  You don't even need to know what that nutrition stuff is.  In fact, take an online nutrition class in college with all your roommates so you can get the quiz answers from them and not actually learn a single thing. 

Second, you have to have good jeans.  Make sure you buy ones with holes in them so people will think you've had them a really long time.  And make sure they have tiger stripes on the thighs so you will be invisible in the jungle, Get really uncomfortably skinny ones too because we all know everyone wants to see you try to move in those things.  Don't forget though...crack kills, hanging your but out is so last year.   wait...crap. 

I mean...Second, you have to have good genes.  Try changing your mom and dad to get better ones if yours aren't working out.  Most government agencies and federal courts can help you out with this one.  Lucky for me, this wasn't necessary.  Thanks mom and dad for the awesome genes!

Don't worry so much about exercise, it's not very fun.  You'll get plenty of exercise from your everyday lifestyle.  For example: Brushing your teeth: shoulders.  Pushing elevator buttons: biceps.  Reclining your lazy boy: triceps.  Getting out of bed: abs.  Driving around the parking lot ten times to get the closest spot possible: calves and arms.  Ladies, toilet hovering is a great hamstring workout. It's also a good way to compete with the boys to see who can get the most urine on the toilet seat.  So just keep not doing everything your not doing and enjoy the benefits!
 
Eat super chewy food, like the fatty strips from prime rib, and charleston chews.  If you burn so many calories from smiling, think of what all that chewing will do!  Keep track of your chewing routine.  I find that circuit training of 3 sets of 10 chews with a one minute break between sets works best.  Don't chew too much too soon though, you don't want to pull a muscle.  Also, don't eat heavy foods like watermelons.  Those suckers are heavy!  You'll gain like 100 pounds if you eat a 100 hundred pound watermelon.  I recommend light foods like cheetos, doughnuts, cotton candy, and marshmallows.  Pick all that nasty heavy stuff out of your Lucky Charms and just eat the marshmallows.  Those are the lucky parts anyway so it's a win win. Don't be fooled by food that claims to be "light" though.  Light yogurt is just as heavy as regular yogurt, Bud Light weighs just as much as Budweiser.  It's all a marketing scam but don't let them get the best of you!  And on that same note, budweiser will actually make you stupider if you drink it, I mean, those idiots don't even know how to spell wiser.  Just don't drink it.  So...When choosing foods at the store, weigh them at the produce section scales to find the really light stuff.

Finally, when you get bored, go eat.  In the simple act of getting out of your chair (abs and legs) opening the fridge (arms and shoulders) and then chewing vigorously you will have added a bonus workout to your day.  Eat some cake to celebrate!  You deserve it.

All this has worked for me so I'm sure it will work for you!  I actually weigh LESS now than I did in high school!  Except for the jeans part anyway, that crazy tiger thought I was a tiger...boy was it awkward when I had to take my pants off to prove I wasn't...Now of course these are just basic guidelines to get you started, you'll probably want to consult someone else for additional information.  Good luck!

Oh I almost forgot!  Some sort of recalled prescription drug that destroys your ability to process food normally (accutane worked for me) is a great way to never gain an ounce.