Friday, October 1, 2010

Nice guys finish last...

 At the end of writing this I am starting at the beginning, as a guy who has not even attempted to dive into the dating pool, not even dipped my little toe in it in almost three years...I admit to having very little grounds upon which to write this.  But, I offer here my opinions and limited experiences in hopes of helping those to whom I refer to as "girls these days".  Please note that I intend here absolutely no hidden messages, agendas, or personal plugs.  So...

What's the deal with girls these days?  All I hear from the XX chromosomes is how there aren't any good guys out there.  I understand that you are sick of guys who are as deep as the kiddie pool, popped collar pompousness,  muscle flexing cell phone self portraits, and dates where you can't get a word in because he won't stop bragging about his car, job, six pack, hotness of his ex, and how good of a missionary he was  Well, let me help you out ladies...

The first thing we need to do is change your definition of a "good guy".  OMG he is so hot! ;)  NO!  Just because a guy is charming and confident when he first meets you doesn't mean he is "good".  In fact, the most likely scenario is that he is just good at convincing you he is something that he really isn't.  Of course confidence and knowing what to say is attractive, but beware of these smooth talkers.  They are confident and so smooth because of their extensive experience in getting what they want from you, which is not likely to be the same as what you want from him.  Some guys are jerks, it's science.  But don't fret, believe it or not, they are not ALL jerks.  The chances are that there are a few guys in your life that you would consider a BFF, or besty.  What are his qualities that make him such a good friend?  Does he do nice things for you because he cares and not to score booty points?  Does he listen to you when you are whining about that jerk of a boyfriend you have without criticizing?  Is he honest?  Hopefully the answers are yes, because he is your FRIEND.  This is a good guy, and I would dare say that MOST guys really are actually good guys.  The good guys though, are not the aggressive ones with the amazing flattering skills.  So you really do already know what a good guy is, it's just realizing that a good guy's qualities are deeper down and may take a while to dig themselves out.  This is also true, unfortunately, for the bad guy qualities.  There are red and green flags to look for that give subtle hints as to which side of the force he is on.  Don't ignore these!  Just because he hasn't been mean in a long time doesn't mean he is a saint now.  Even someone that has no idea about the story of Star Wars could tell you after Episode One that Anikan was on a path to the dark side. Don't make Padme's mistake.

So, second, you need to know what to look for and how to recognize a "good" guy.  Start with those same friends.  Chances are you are in the friend zone due to circumstantial events.  But, you never know where these could go.  Remember, everyone wants to spend their lives with their best friend right?  Now, there may be a matter of physical attractiveness here, let me challenge you to expand your standards here, expand but not lower.  It is one of the most important parts of a relationship, but it is scientifically proven (probably) that the better you get to know someone, and the more good things you learn about them, the more attractive they become.  So when you first meet boys, don't wright any of them off on looks alone.  The good boys are camouflaged behind their average looks, plain clothes, and humble (shy) personalities.  This is why it seems to you that there are no good guys.  Because the bad guys are the ones working so hard for your attention and saying all the right things while the good ones are stumbling over their words, are too embarrassed to talk to you, and may feel a bit insecure because they don't drive jacked up pick up trucks.  They're hidden in the social shadow...but they are there.  Avoid hot guys that know that they are hot, these guys are used to girls throwing themselves at them.  But they may be complete idiots when it comes to how to treat you. (italics added)

Third, how do you find them? You might have to put in a little more effort to find a good guy.  Don't get me wrong, I am fully invested in the notion that if he wants a date, it's his responsibility to make it happen.  But there are things you can do to make it easier for him.  Remember, nice guys may be the shy guys.  So, if you are even remotely interested but he just won't make a move.  Give him a big smile and some eye contact.  Try talking to him first, even a little flirting.  Anything to give him the confidence to make a move.  You need to help him get past that "I could never get a girl like that" attitude.  Help him believe he has a chance.  DON'T play the hard to get game.  The nice guys don't know the rules to that game.  Also, try changing your "places to meet guys".  Bars, tanning salons, loud parties, and abercrombie and fitch, are all out, gyms probably not that great either.   Try your friends, a grocery store, a hardware store, your church, in the crowd at a game or concert, on the ski lift, your place of employment, anyplace people go where they aren't already in the mindset of trying to impress everyone else that is there.

And finally, remember that you are not in high school anymore.  Who cares where he works, what he drives, if he's rich, if he can bench press a toyota, or what other people will think of him.  What matters is how he treats you, how he makes you feel, and will you be happy every day with him.  Remember what's really important and you'll find your "good guy".  I promise.  He exists.  My very last bit of advice though, is that this all goes both ways...I hope this doesn't offend you, but good guys, well...they are looking for "good girls".  The best thing you can do to find him, is be worthy of him. 

In closing, know that all I have said here is of course circumstantial.  That abercrombie model driving the porsche on his way to the tanning salon may just be the greatest, nicest, sweetest guy ever.  And that shy, funny, plain, nice kid may actually be the next uni-bomber.  In the end (but hopefully closer to the beginning) it's up to you to decide.  But please, until you've tried something different from whatever you are doing now, stop complaining that there are no "good guys" out there.  The "good guys" are sick of hearing about it...but of course, we're good guys, so we'll keep listening.  So for the three girls that I intended this advice for, I hope it helped.  Too bad I doubt you will ever read this.  For those of you reading this, you are married and I just wasted 5 minutes of your lives...my bad.  Now I must go, I've got a date with a nice girl.  She is a 6'8", full epoxy, Pyzel wave shredding babe.  We are going surfing.

1 comment:

Derrek Williams said...

I can't agree more. My wife was my best friend long before she was my 'girlfriend'. It has been 14.5 wonderful years.