Dallon's 5 Step Guide to Kissing for People with Big Noses.

From years of personal experience, I now share with you these proven and trusted techniques!

1. If the person you would like to smooch wears glasses, make sure they are removed first.  Use a line like, "You're eyes are like a window to the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen, let me take away the glass so I can see into them better..." Then slowly and gently remove the glasses, and make your move.  This will avoid broken glasses, broken noses, and awkward misses.
2. Try the upside down kiss.  This will hopefully be enough to get your huge schnoz out of the way.  However, if either of you have pointy chins this may backfire, so do some facial evaluation on yourself and the recipient beforehand.  Try the behind the couch approach, the laying on top bunk method, or of course, if you happen to have superhuman spider skills from a beneficial mutant spider bite then you can try the spiderman method.  Just don't forget, that with great power comes great responsibility!
3. Make sure the kissee has closed eyes before moving in for the succulent softness.  This is usually a given but to avoid the painful eye gouge lightly brush your hands over the eyelids to close them right before the action begins.  Say. "I have a surprise for you" right after a soft sushing.  Beware though, if your snout is extraordinarily mongo, then some uncomfortable eye pressure may still occur.  
4. Although it's about as attractive as the inside of a cowry, you can attempt the super pucker.  Pucker your lips to such an extent that lip to lip contact may be made at the greatest distance possible.  This will help get your snout at least a little out of the way.  Probably may want to incorporate number 3 in to this one as well, on account of you're not going to want him/her to actually see what your doing.  Then again, the naive, don't know how to kiss technique is cute to some people...maybe it'll work for you, it does in the movies right?
5. If the normal slight head tilts in opposite directions isn't quite enough to avoid a full frontal assault on your victims face, you may have to increase your head tilt to an excessive degree.  The length of your trunk will directly effect the angle of tilt that will be necessary, as well as the width of your partners face.  Use the following formula to calculate safe and appropriate head tilt angles.  You will first have to measure your nose length and your partner's face width.  Do it when their sleeping...creepy, but necessary.

HTA = NL³(Á¾)/FW√π  ± 90°  

           Once you have calculated the correct head tilt angle,
           use this chart to visually inspect how far to the side
           you will have to tilt your head to safely get your nose in
           far enough to make lip contact.

Good luck and happy smooching!  For personal assistance or for some one on one technique practice, I may be contacted at the following email:  happysnouts_XOXO@yeahright.com

Dallon's First Day of Snowboarding!

To celebrate the passing of my skiing exam, I decided to finally try snowboarding!  Ever since I can remember my friends have been trying to convince me to come to the dark side and I have always held firmly to my skiing roots.  Not wanting to disrespect the ski gods and sell out in any way, I have never seriously tried snowboarding.  Until now.  There was a time several years ago on a ski trip to Colorado when I broke a binding and while my ski was in the shop, I put on someones snowboard to burn the time until my ski got fixed.  So for a couple of hours I tried it, on a rope tow.  I wasn't good.  So last Saturday when I went with John and Christie (thanks guys!) I was pleasantly surprised that all those years of poaching snowboard lessons by listening to instructors as I passed them overhead on a ski lift seemed to pay off.  I didn't completely suck, but by no means did I tear it up either!  I might have actually torn some muscles though!  Apparently I have really learned how to fall well on skis because I have done some massive falling and haven't come close to getting hurt as bad as I did snowboarding!  Holy crap, it really is true what they say about being sore after learning to snowboard, 4 days later I still can't rotate my shoulder back.  Wow, I caught that toe edge and took a face plant that any blooper reel would proudly boast of.  I thought everything was broken from my nose to my ribs and probably some internal bleeding too.  It wasn't that bad, but I really haven't felt that much pain in a LONG time.  The irony is that 20 minutes earlier I told John that I'm getting too confident and I'm going to eat it real hard soon to bring my pride back down.  It was a good experience for me though, now I can relate a little better to people that I teach how to ski.  I had forgotten how formidable a ski hill can look.  I have taken for granted the fact that on skis, for me, it's super simple to get down a hill.  Those gentle bunny hill slopes never looked so steep before!  It was very humbling being the beginner again.  All in all, it was a good time and I'll go again.  But don't worry...I'll always be a skier!

I need baggier pants, so I can look super steezy!

My snowboarding coaches!

Jackson Hole

Last week I went to Jackson Hole.  The excuse was a PSIA-I level 2 ski assessment, but the real reason was to ski an incredible mountain that I have only looked upon during the snowless summer and longingly wished that someday I could slide it's wintery slopes.  That wish came true, and it was oh so worth it!  The key points from this little foray into Wyoming skiing:

• Jackson Hole has some of the best in-bounds terrain and the sweetest back country terrain I have ever skied.  Every run had some huge cliff to huck or steep pitch to tackle.  I will always defend my homeland Utah and our amazing snow, but only the Bird, Alta, and The Basin can even come close to comparing for terrain.  The mountain is literally a snowballs throw away from Grand Teton National Park after all.  We skied the mountain on our first day there, and had to take the test the next day, but still got lots of time to free ski.

This is the view from the top of the tram looking west.

The view looking south, Grand Tetons.

• I got to ski and stay with this guy. His name is AJ.  He is good, very good.  Sponsored by Volkl good.  It was fun to ski with someone that much better than me again, it always helps my own skiing.

This is AJ on the trail map cover.

This is the view from his house where we stayed in Teton Village.

• The Apres ski life in Jackson is much more happening than at Canyons.  Much younger and way more alcoholic too.  For example, one of the days we were there was the annual beer slide competition.  You slide a beer mug across a table to a teammate who has to catch and chug it before running to other side to slide the next mug.  Bonus points are awarded for sweet tricks and handle catches.  The only girl team won, it was hilarious...and would have been completely taboo in Utah.  The gratuitous cleavage may have swayed the judges in their favor though...

Beer slide competition at the base of the tram.

• I do not however condone this type of alcoholic consuming behavior.  In fact, the whole trip was another self conviction of why I don't drink.  The only thing the guys I was with did, besides ski, was drink.  It was mildly humorous but on a whole mostly obnoxious.  I have no problem with being the DD and an occasional bar, but I don't think a serious drinker and I could really be BFFs.

• I have always wanted to try and move to Jackson, and this little trip reaffirmed that desire.  It's a very cool town and the vibe around Teton Village is really fun, not to mention the awesome mountain and surfable rafting river.  I am more determined than ever to make it happen.  My previous plan of living in a tent is completely socially accepted.  I will however, have to grow a grizzly beard and get a large dog if I ever want to completely fit in. 

Like these people...

•  I am a very careful driver when it comes to speeding.  Long ago I learned that horrendous insurance and ticket prices just weren't worth getting to the red light 30 seconds faster.  So I try very hard not to do it.  Which is why getting pulled over and ticketed on the way to Jackson is so frustrating.  The ONE time on the whole four hour drive that I was speeding...and boom, ticket.  I'm not complaining, I know it's against the law to speed and I'm glad there are cops to enforce that.  I'm just annoyed that at the one tiny stretch of straight road in that canyon I happen to speed past a waiting officer...  Oh well. 

•  I learned a new word...  Steezy.  I couldn't tell at first if being "steezy" was a good or a bad thing.  The way the hip kids I was with were using it to describe others made it difficult to decipher.  After an urban dictionary definition I am still not sure...
• Steezy:
  

  describes a skier/snowboarder bum who wears tall tee's, baggy snowpants (usually of the neon variety), and bandanas. Hangs out in the park all day with other steezy riders. There is also another definition that describes it more as a style of skiing/riding that I rather prefer.  It involves skiing with STYLE and making it look EASY....STEEZY.  I use the word quite frequently now. GOOD Steezy BAD Steezy Oh yeah... I also passed my ski exam while I was there!  Yay me!   My score sheet.  Just barely made it

Dear Facebook people.  Please "like" this photo I took today of one of my students in ski school after he fell in the powder, it was hilarious!  I win a watch or something...  You have to add them (Utah Outside) as friends first though...  Thanks!

Click HERE to go to Utah Outsides' facebook page and "like" it.

Work today was awesome!  Knee deep on me, thigh deep on them.  I love my job...

The Goings On.

 So I've been told that you don't read my blog because the things I write are too long.  So instead of writing about the goings on of late, I will just show you.  To all of you with short attention spans like me...you're welcome.  For all the things I didn't take pictures of, you will live on only in my memory.  Enjoy.







Tauna and I went go-kart racing!  I totally lapped her twice!

 

Lane and Tara got hitched!  So we did this...

 Tubing at Soldier Hollow!

 Did you know that there is FOOD at Ikea?!  What a big fun store!

 

 This was our snowshoeing adventure in Logan Canyon.

 We blew up some stuff.  And tried to get Reed stuck in the mud.

Grizzlies game!

Just one of my classes from the Ski Utah program.

  Tauna's first ski lesson!  She rocked.

On a windy day at The Canyons we didn't want to bother so we went up Parleys somewhere to ride some rails,  then this crazy group drove by.

 

The annual super bowl party at my sister's house.

Shredding with Tera and Dread Jake. Tera is super steezy in her onezy.

 

 Midge and I hiked to Donut Falls!  Then slid back down on my shovel.

Pizza party at the neighbors house!  Mmmm, pizza.

 

Rachel, Midge, and I went snowshoeing up one of the Forks in Big Cottonwood.  We halted the hike on account of Midge's pending death and built a snow cave instead.  Super Cozy!

 

Also, trying to get pictures and text into a blog is super un-user friendly.  Life goes on.

Maui 2010. Season 2 video teaser.

 

Maui 2010.  Season 2 video teaser. from LoPpsided on Vimeo.

Dr. D and the Cheese Whiz.

 I'll try to keep the purpose of my blog alive here...SKIING!  Oh man.  Today is the first day I haven't skied in two weeks.  (and looking out my window at all that new snow is making me seriously doubt my decision not to)  But I'm beat and really needed this day off.  Here's the best part about my two week ski marathon...I got paid to do it!  And I got paid very well!  Presidents day weekend and the days surrounding it is the busiest time of year for ski school, so I had to work my regular schedule plus my days off.  And though I'm exhausted...I'm pretty stoked about that.  For the entire two weeks I had clients that we're wicked good skiers, and for the most part they all just wanted to learn how to ski in Utah's famous soft powder!  Oh I cannot describe the delight.  Powder runs and face shots day after day, it was so great!  Some of my clients were serious VIPs too.  And they had requested me to be there coach.  Filthy rich VIP + requested private lessons x deep powder days = A very happy Dallon with a newly bulging wallet.  I can't believe the money those people through around.  Let me tell you how these people roll.  First of all, the ski school manager pulls me into his office to assure I'm on my best behavior, then I had to pick up my client (a 14 year daughter) at the Waldorf Astoria (which is definitely no Motel 6) where I am greeted by the Hotel Manager and the President of Guest services, both of whom implore me to do a good job.  In the lobby someone even wiped my dripping nose for me.  When I dropped daughter off with parents at the lodge, they had a table reserved for them and a server waiting.  Have you been in a ski lodge before?  Then you know that there is no such thing as reservations and servers, it's a mad house and every man is on his own.  Not these people.  This went on for three days, and at the end of every half day private lesson where I just skied with Lauren from England on my favorite powder runs, dad would slip me a Franklin!  I never asked why they were so VI, but they were VNP (very nice people) as well, so it was great.  I had several other private lessons and several children's group lessons.  All my kids lessons were black and blue level skiers, so it was more of the powdery steeps for me!  All these kids were awesome too.  I got to ski with most of them every day, keeping my classes pretty much in tact, a large number of them were British and none were rubbish!  I honestly had so much fun with those kids.  Thanks to crazy little Cole, I am now fondly known as Dr. D, due to his efforts everyone is calling me that now.  And thanks to adorable Sofia, we were all known as Dr. D and the Cheese Whiz.  Kids are so hilarious!  Yesterday, at the end of my 14 day marathon I will admit that I was nearing the end of my patience and abilities to entertain 9 year olds, and I may have gotten a bit crabby.  But at the end of the day when little Jimmy chewed out his mom for not giving me a big enough tip because I am "the best ski coach ever!" then giving me a big hug and actually crying when he had to leave, just totally made it all worth it.  Thanks Jimmy, hope to see you again next year!  I love my life!

Paul, Me, and Jimmy

VIP Lauren

VGS Lauren (Very Good Skier)

Less Than Jake

I mentioned that I listened to my MP3 the other day, and it reminded me of the good old days.  What I didn't mention is the thought that came to my mind while listening was that music these days just isn't as good as it used to be.  This made me realize two things, first was that I'm old, the other was that I'm not that old and I really wanted to go skank it up in a pit at a concert!  So when my brother called to tell me that one of my all time favorite bands whom I had only seen once in concert (and I was about 500 yards from stage packed in with thousands of other stinky kids at a warped tour years and years ago) were coming to town, I got pretty stoked.  I had reservations at first, things like: "I'll be the oldest guy there!" and "Oh man I'm going to be so sore afterwards."  But I took my girly pants off and in the spirit of my new personal anti-boredom campaign, I bought tickets.  And it was awesome!  It'd been way too long since I'd been to a concert.  I missed the thumping bass drum, the flashing lights, the sore feet, the stinky B.O., and the rebellious kids with their ska patches and checkerboard ties.  My feet hurt, my ears were ringing, and some weird drunk girl wouldn't leave me alone, but that all didn't matter because I was at a ska show!  And as it turned out, just about everyone their was a washed up ska kid from the 90's, just like me.  Thanks Less Than Jake for reminding me how much I love a good ska/punk show and keeping me young!  (even if I didn't punch and kick in the pit with my doc martens on!)

 

 

In the last 7 days...

 My saddest moment was when I ran out of sugar puffs.
I baked Heath chip cookies, from scratch then gave them away.
My best friend was Brockwell, age 4, from Florida. (He's on the left in the photo atop my blog)
I skied 7 times.
I fixed my phone with dental floss.
My happiest moment was watching Midge accept my cinnamon challenge, and failing.
I doorbell ditched my neighbors.
I bought a plant.
My best meal was a plate of very pretty, very dead, very raw...fish.
I took 5 showers.
My most giddy moment was seeing fireworks and pretending they were for me.
I spent almost $1000, but got nothing new, well, except for the plant.
My biggest surprise was when I discovered my left eyebrow is retarded.
I only watched 14 surfing videos on you tube. This one was my favorite.
I listened to my MP3 player and the songs reminded me of high schoo1.
A turtle scared me.  
I remembered that it was valentines day.
My car got cleaned.
I gave my neighbors cookies.
I updated my MP3 player.
I played with legos.
I babysat again...it was just like last time. 
I bought Less Than Jake tickets.

My new plant!

My first batch of cookies EVER!

So pretty, so dead, so raw.