K.I.S.S.

This is the mobile device I am currently using.  Besides being a telephone, I have several great applications: paper weight application, brick throwing application, bludgeoning bad guys application, gravity testing application, etc. I can't wait to get some cool new faceplate designs!

This is how I use the internet.  What are all those black chord looking things?  Well those are wires.  Don't call my house when I'm using the internet please. 

This is my personal music player.  Notice the buttons.  Touching the screen just leaves fingerprints...

This is popcorn chicken!  AKA last nights dinner.

This fun device is called a book.  This is how I read.  Notice the two fingered page turning.  OLD SCHOOL!

The Day I Swam with a Great White Shark!

So during my semi-religious watching of shark week a few weeks ago, I saw a show that talked a bit about how very very rare great white shark sightings in Hawaii are now becoming only very rare.  In other words, great whites have been known to come here, just not often and they don't stay long.  (Read this and this for more info on whites in HI)  Normally the only real shark threat in Hawaii are the tigers, and my chances of winning the lottery, getting struck by three lightning bolts, and getting a full pedicure from Natalie Portman, all on the same day...are greater than actually getting attacked by one of those.  But...the other day I was lifeguarding a group of tourons at one of our normal snorkel spots called Olowalu Bay.  It's an awesome spot to see green sea turtles (shark food).  I was in the water there for about an hour, everything was normal and we left.  About an hour later the captain got a text message.  It said that just an hour ago, a great white shark was sighted in Olowalu Bay.  It was such a crazy text we laughed about it wholly believing the message sender was playing a joke on us.  Today however, the sighting was made official through legit sources.  And all I can think about is how freaking cool it would have been to stick my face in the water and watch a great white shark swim by!  Bummer.  Sad I missed it.  So my claim to awesomeness is that I was swimming in little Olowalu Bay at the exact same time as a great white shark.  I'm awesome.  These lucky blokes didn't miss their chance to swim with a white though!  SO amazing!

 

On another note.  It has always been a dream of mine to ski and surf in the same day.  It's definitely a bucket list item.  This has great influence on my desire to move to New Zealand (which I will try again soon).  Today, I read this little article.   http://www.skinet.com/skiing/photo-gallery/ski-and-surf  Now I know the six places on earth that my heart would be completely content.

On another note...we saw SO many dolphins today!!  Have I even mentioned how awesome everything is?  Well it is.

REDACTED.  Lame...about an hour after I posted this, my reputable source came out saying that this great white shark sighting, was not actually a great white, but a mako shark.  Apparently this is a common mistake.  Boo, I'm not nearly as cool now...stupid mako that wasn't a great white.  I'm leaving this post up though, cuz the videos are cool.

Manta Heaven

A couple of months ago I went on a really cool dive.

Reed came too.

 


Our first spot was to a place called Garden Eel Cove.  At about 60 feet the coral stopped and there was nothing but sand as far as you could see on the ocean floor.  Except...for all these guys.   There were hundreds of them!  They are called Garden Eels.  They would sway with the current just like plants in the wind and go back into their holes if you got too close.   It was really cool to see. 



Then as night fell we got back in the water...

Reed blowing bubbles at me.

Das our boat.

 We placed a milk crate full of flashlights on the ocean floor pointing up to make a column of light to attract the plankton...

 

But we still didn't see what we were looking for.  So we swam off for a little night diving adventure.  I have all sorts of videos of eels and crazy crabs with huge shells covered in shells,

So we got to see lots of really cool things, and it turns out the ocean at night time is whole different place!  But in the end I hadn't seen what we were hoping to see, then as I was climbing back onto the boat in disappointment, I turned around to see THIS!

 

GIANT MANTA RAYS!!!!

It was AWESOME!  There were lights on the boat that were enough to attract the plankton which in turn attracts the rays.  These things were massive and beautiful!  I loved every minute of the whole experience.  I love how while scuba diving you are completely free to go in any direction you want, it is so much fun! I've lots of video but since blogger is a bummer and I don't have editing capabilities, I can only show the short ones...

We were right off the Kona coast on the big island.  I continue to fall more in love with everything ocean.  I am thinking I should have been a marine biologist or something!  Anyways, it was cool, and of course the pictures and videos just don't do it justice... Aloha!

Theoretical Theory

 The Walmart Effect Theory
I developed this theory at work on the boats.  On a day when we have a small number of passengers, the people are almost always way more kind, pleasant, cool, and have a much more enjoyable experience than those who come aboard on a day when the boat is fully loaded.  When there are lots of passengers on board, they have to wait in line to eat, get in the water, get out of the water, etc.  They have to share a small space.  I am a little more stressed due to 12 people at once telling me their masks don't work, and people are ignoring the swim with a buddy rule.  So I'm a little less jovial as well.  Their orneriness rubs off on me which is then reciprocated back on them.  In other words...it's like going to Wal Mart.  So no matter how perfect the day is, if there are too many people on the boat...The Wal Mart theory takes effect, and no one is as happy as they otherwise would have been.

The Kids These Days Theory:
Kids these days, a term that every generation has used.  But I feel that as the speed of technological advancement increases, so does the generation gap.  For example.  Every day.  EVERY day, on the boat, as we watch dolphins, see the fish fly, and swim with dolphins...some kid will have his nose glued to some sort of screen.  I'm not a parent, so this is as far as I'll go, but it drives me nuts.  Their favorite part of the trip is that we play Finding Nemo on the tv.  ugh.

The Dating Theory.
Well obviously...I don't have one.

The Facebook Theory.
Some time in the not too distant future, researchers will look back in time and determine that the point at which humans began to de-evolve, loosing our voice boxes and ability to communicate verbally, was when facebook was invented.

The How to Talk to Girls Theory.
Pretend that they are tourists.  Seriously.  I can charm the tourons like I can blink my eyes.  Step off the boat though, and try to talk to a pretty girl...nope, I'm a bumbling idiot.  So...pretend they are tourists.  Boom.

The vacationing IQ Theory.
Do the fish cause the waves?  Is that Japan?  How long does it take to swim under Maui?  Is that huge ship (pointing at the 30 foot fishing boat) a cruise ship?
These are all questions I was asked just this week by tourists.  I am now convinced that when people go on vacation, the part of their brain that controls common sense fully shuts down, thus temporarily lowering their IQ.  At least 10 people every trip tell me that their snorkel doesn't work.  A snorkel is just a hollow tube, it has no moving parts at all.  I will take the snorkel from them and hand them a new, identical one.  Every day someone will puke all over the boat, then tell me that they always get motion sick but didn't think it would be a problem today.  Every day people come on board and tell me they can't swim. (it's a snorkel trip!) And every time, there is someone that will swim 100 yards back to the boat to get another squirt of anti fog (it's baby shampoo) in their masks because it isn't working and they can't see, instead of taking the mask off, and dunking it in the water.  It's hilarious.  People on vacation are scientifically less intelligent...

The White People Are Better Swimmers Theory.
While writing the previous theory seconds ago, I remembered this one.  I sure hope this doesn't offend anyone, I mean absolutely no racial disrespect.  I am merely commenting on my observations.  White people though, are better swimmers than all others.  In order from best swimmers to worst swimmers goes like this.  White, Black, Mexican, Asian, Indian.  Seriously.  If there are Asians or Indians on the boat, we just know who to give the life jackets to and who we need to keep an eye on.  Of course this is a generalization and there are exceptions. 

The Hot Girl Theory.
Have you ever seen an unbelievably attractive person...holding hands with a complete bozo?  I think we have all thought at least once "how did that guy/girl get that girl/guy!?"   And do you remember that girl from high school that was SOOOOO hot, but she never dated anyone and never went to any school dances?  Well here is the theory.  It is possible to be too attractive.  The reason the hot girl was always dateless is because her sheer beauty scared all the boys away.  We all just assumed that we didn't have a shot so we didn't even make an attempt.  It was the "she's out of my league" effect.  But, remember the hotties that are all with the notties?  So, an average person can totally end up with the hottie of their dreams if they just give it a shot! 

The Work Ethic Theory:
This one also comes from work.  Here in Maui, I have very easily and quickly worked my way to top of every place of employment I've had.  That is especially true at my current job working for Lahaina Cruise Co.  I became first mate on the Kaulana after two weeks.  Essentially becoming the most trusted and reliable employee of the company.  But...I had never worked on a boat, or done any bar-tending in my entire life and just like that...I was in charge of both.  Reed, had a very similar experience when he got a job with me this year too.  The reason this has happened?  Work Ethic.  I just work hard, remain reliable, and do a good job.  These experiences have led me to wonder why I seem to have such a stronger work ethic than most people I work with.  I have attributed it to my upbringing.  Two things: One, my parents.  Simply put, they taught me how to work.  My Dad always  had at least three jobs and I recognized that sacrifice and effort he put in.  I was always given chores and jobs to do and felt accomplished and proud when I did a good job.  Two, my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...  On my second day in Maui a few years ago, I was given a job as a journeyman (something I had never done) from someone I had never met, simply because he knew I was a member of the Church.  The theory is this: no matter who you are or what you know, you can be successful by simply working hard.  I make a living doing the things I love to do, by working hard.  It's awesome.  I'm grateful to have been taught that.

Talkin' Story

Story 1:
To begin this story, I must begin about 1 month ago when I was in Oahu working on a boat in dry dock.  After work one day our boss mentioned that the marine supply store nearby had a killer deal on Topsiders so we went over there and about 6 of us all bought ourselves some super sweet new boat shoes.  I was actually pretty stoked on the find, since I did actually need some closed toe aquatic kicks.  Upon our triumphant return to Maui, we told all our non-dry-dock-worker co-workers that our boss had bought us the shoes, to make them all super jealous.  It worked...suckers.
Weeks later...I was showing Reed how to turn off the generator so I was lying prone over the engine hatch in a very vulnerable position when silly Rackel (Raquel when she's acting 13 years old = Rackel) in a jealous rage decided to steal my stinky Top Sider right off my disgusting feet and tried to hide it.  The ingenious hiding spot she found was on top of a slip post (the post between two boats we tie the lines too and works as bumpers)  Rackel put my shoe up ontop the post in a giggly rant when suddenly she watched the shoe vanish.  It just wobbled there and suddenly poof...gonzo shoe.  As the furious wrath of Dallon ran through her mind Rackel screamed, panicked and...Blamo!  Fell right on her pooter!  At this point all the commotion caught my attention and I first thought she dropped my shoe in the harbor, a funny prospect in my mind because I knew she would have to go into that nasty cesspool to retrieve the lost footwear.  But alas, the terror on her face was much worse than the prospect of taking a nasty dip.  I began asking where my shoe was, and about this time...Whammy!  She fell over again. (this is why we wear nice boat shoes)  At this point I didn't really care where my shoe was, watching Rackel have a complete meltdown and completely loose control of her body functions was so hilarious it was completely worth whatever fate had befallen my foot's best pal.  Eventually, Rackel was able to pull herself out of her giddy fright and let me know that this particular pole...didn't have a top, and is very hollow.  There it was, down 20 feet or so at the bottom of a nasty, rusty, grimy, pole.  So the real adventure began as we contrived ways to retrieve the fallen shoe.  Reed, already having lost some of my footwear in the past, was especially eager to help.  So after several failed attempts, we combined IQs and derived a plan that involved allen wrenches duct taped to a pole in the fashion of a grappling hook tied to a rope with a few flashlights.  And after only a few heartpounding minutes...Timmy was pulled from the well!  Yay!  I got my shoe back!  With only some rust stains to show for it's brave journey into the depths, my shoe returned triumphantly to the sunlight and to me!  And for good show, Rackel fell over one more time, this time out of pure glee!  It was downright hilarious!

Seriously!?  You dropped my shoe down there!?

Almost...got...it...

Yay!  Foot and shoe reunited!

Story 2:
As part of the snorkeling boat adventure we provide here at Lahaina Cruise Company, every trip on the Island Princess we put into the water a big floating water trampoline.  It's definitely a favorite among the the tourons.  One of the most often asked questions we get within the first five seconds of the trip, is: "You are going to put the trampoline in the water right?!".    So, out there at windy Olowalu Bay after the peoples are all in the water snorkeling we untie the trampoline from the top of the boat, lower it into the water, and tie it to the back of the boat.  On this particular day though, the gusty trade winds were a blowing something fierce!  So the captain had lowered the buoyant bounciness and I was holding the line letting the thing slowly drift away to a safe distance so I could tie it off.  Mother nature though, decided that I needed to try parasailing again and with one gusty wind...the trampoline was completely airborne!  Now, most of you have probably seen my "turn sideways and disappear" trick, so you know that I am not know for my girth.  So, it should come as no surprise to hear that my attempts at anchoring the now airborne buoyant bounciness, were completely in vain.  I was instantly lifted off the swim deck, over the laughing snorkelers, over the honu, and quite some distance later I returned to earth with a big splash!  It was only my second time parasailing but was surely more entertaining than the first time!  Everyone who saw was pleased at my misfortune and I still get teased for it.  Luckily, I had learned long ago to never carry anything that can't get wet!

The Island Princess and the trampoline.

Aka, my sail.

Story 3:
Ok, I realize I'm kinda wordy when I talk story, so I'll wrap this one up quick.  When I was a young lad, I made a pact with myself that I would never work in the food industry.  I have only broken that pact twice.  The first one was right out of high school when I worked at Beaver Mtn.  All the free skiing made it worth it.  The second time is now.  While working the snorkel cruises I do cook up some BBQ for the tourons, and I tend bar on the cocktail and dinner cruises.  Again...totally worth it.  But to remain true to myself I am always making a big deal about NOT serving while on the dinner cruise.  I make excuses all the time why it would not be a good idea for me to work as a server.  Bartender ok, server...bad news.  The other day I decided to illustrate my point.  When I get a break at the bar I sometimes help the servers by busing some tables for them.  So, I was carrying a large tray full of plates and whatnot down a skinny isle full of people on a rocking boat when...wack!  I kicked a chair leg and made a full on deck inspection with my face!  Of course I was way up in the front of the boat where everyone can see when I decided to trip and fall on my face.  But, I'll have you know...I didn't drop a single item off that tray!  It all went in slow motion.  I knew I was going down because there was nothing but tourons to grab onto with my free hand and I knew I couldn't ditch the tray without a touron casualty.  So to save the innocent, I took the brunt of the fall with my own body.  For my courage though, I was awarded with some bloody body parts, and cheers from all the passengers.  I collected myself and bounced right up with the exclamation, "I'm ok!" and the applause ensued.  I even received some positive accolades in the comment section of the surveys from the tourons!  They were very gratefull for the free entertainment!  So I'm not sure how this will effect my resistance to serving...I totally tripped and made a complete fool of myself, but on the other hand, I didn't drop anything from my tray...  Hopefully, the trip proves my worth as a bartender, and ONLY a bartender... Whatever the case though, it was hilarious, and it really made Rackel's day. 

And speaking of bartending.  I came one step closer to achieving the goal I never had today.  I passed my bar managers exam and am now a fully certified bar manager in the state of Hawaii.  Yay!...ugh.  Really all this means is I'm the one in trouble if any liquor laws are violated.  Oh goody.

And just for fun...I swam from the Hyatt to the Weston and ran back on the beach tonight, with this as my background...Aloha!

Dear Tourons:

So, without fail something will happen every day that completely amazes me at work.  It is usually something quite hilarious but during the moment I can't acknowledge the hilarity of the moment, so I share with you all here, a letter that I address to the source of these moments...the moronic tourists, aka The Tourons.

Dear Tourons:

•  Your snorkel mask works just fine, user error on this one buddy.
• Just because you consider yourself a person of privilege, that doesn't mean that I do.
• If you are too occupied to listen to me announce very loudly through a microphone where the bathrooms are located, and too retarded to find them on your own on a boat the size of a tennis court, then you deserve to pee your pants.
• If you have never been swimming before...jumping off of a boat in the middle of the ocean is not a good place to try it for the first time!
• No.  That is NOT Japan.
• You're older and therefore infinitely wiser than me in every way, so go ahead and ignore me when I tell you the rules that will keep you alive. Sure, don't wear fins, get swept away in the ocean currents you know nothing about.
• Children wait patiently in line better than you do.
• Maui is not floating.
• We're on a boat, is the middle of the deck really seem like the best place to vomit?
• Yip, we're going to tie the boat to a palm tree.
• Two life jackets, a swim belt, and 13 swim noodles ARE enough, I promise you're not going go sink.  
• Is it cold?  Are there sharks?  Where are the dolphins?  Will you fix my mask?..All questions that will undoubtedly solicit a highly sarcastic response from me. Unless of course you are under the age of 12.
• Sure, get mad at me because the waves are too big or the water is too murky to safely snorkel, I'll just go ahead and turn the waves off and clean out the ocean for you.  I'm sorry I didn't just do that before-hand for you.
 

That all being said, mahalo tourons, for helping me get paid every day for doing what you are paying to do.  My job is awesome, I love it, and I love you. Aloha!

Stuff that's happened

Aloha!  I'm in Maui again!  I know you are all dying to hear all about that.  But first, gotta tell about the lots of stuff that's gone on since I was last a blogger.  And even though I know you guys are dying to read pages and pages of my sweet vocabulary about my life, I choose now not to write detailed descriptions, but instead give you another bulleted list. So, here ya go...

• I drove down to San Diego with some friends in an RV and for three days did nothing but eat, sleep, and surf.
• 
• I finally achieved my level 2 status with the PSIA.  Took me two seasons and comes with a big raise.  Boo ya.  Next up is Snowboard level 1, ACE 1 and 2, and Tele level 1.
• I went to Beaver to race at Elk Meadows.  It was slushy, but fun.

Me, Tara, Lane, Kyle

 

• I did some babysitting for my sister.  For three days I was in charge of a 3 year old and an almost 1 year old.  And I was awesome.  Even more awesome than me though, was my little nephew Cameron who didn't poop one single time while I had him.  5 minutes after mom and dad got home, he blew up his diaper.  Atta kid Cameron!
• The ski resort closed and I stopped working.
• Before that happened though, I skied...a lot.
• I moved out of my apartment and back into my car.
• I went to Moab...twice. Cruised around with Tera and Dread Jake in their rock crawlers.  Took some folks down the swollen, boring river.  Rode all of slickrock twice and Porcupine Rim on a $5G GT Demo.  Demolished the dingleberry trailer with said $5G bicycle on top, that wasn't cool.  Everything else was.
•  
  
  
  
  
  
  
   
  
  
  
  

putting the trailer back together.  .

 

• I got a haircut.



Before



During

After

• I built this thing for my Jeep.

I don't have a picture of the finished project.  It's covered in vehicle carpet stuff and stores all my Jeep junk well.







After 4 previous unsuccessful attempts, I finally made it to Havasupai.  It was awesome.  Met Supai Waters, no pants girls, pink pajamas man, oh, there were really cool waterfalls there too.  Reed, Derrek, and Sterling came along.  I have a couple hundred photos from this trip.  So hard to choose!

Just keeping tradition.

• Did some rock climbing in St. George.
• And a bunch of other stuff.

Lead Roping.  Yay.

Josh Climb up.  St. George.

RSL game with John, Christie and Trent.

My first attempt at hairstyling!

Lucky pyramid at a Bees game.

BBQ with my friends.

MEMO:

It has come to my attention that this blog is no longer safe for work...

I apologize.  But not really, I think it's hilarious!  The dang waterfall is called Mooney for crying out loud!

Nostalgia

Due to some minor remodel and house cleaning work at my parents house I have made a few nostalgic discoveries.  I've opened a time capsule from my high school years and what I've found is a little disturbing, and ridiculously entertaining.  So I will now share with you!

First of all, I discovered a box full of letters, cards, and notes that I kept.  Most of these are pretty normal and relatively uninteresting, regular letters from friends that moved away, buddies on missions, and cards I received from family members and what not.  Some of them however, are notes...notes from girls!  Now, I do remember from high school that I really didn't care much about anything unless it was swimming, soccer, skiing, jumping off cliffs, or hanging out with my fellas, what I don't remember from high school, is all this drama with the ladies.  I have loads and loads of these notes from girls full of all sorts of daytime drama stuff and while I remember most of the people these notes are from, I do NOT remember reading any of the things these notes have written in them.  Because I do not remember any of those girls feeling so strongly about me in any way.  The level of undying love professed to me is very flattering but only reiterates how much I didn't care about such things in high school.  I would feel really bad about being so clueless to these people's feelings, being so naive to all things female, and probably being quite rude to these girls who were so smitten with me, except that every single one of them (to my knowledge) is currently happily wed with some rugrats in tow.  So the drama instilled by my indifference hopefully didn't have any lasting emotional effects on anyone.  The funny thing...I know for a fact that some of these girls read this blog!  Sorry ladies, please forgive my high school naivety and indifference, it was nothing personal, I just had other, more important things on my mind, like beating that next level on Goldeneye.

My other discovery was stacks and stacks of old video tapes.  In high school and beyond I pretty much always had a video camera with me.  This was back before they fit in your pocket mind you.  But I found these, and a bunch of family home videos, and decided to record them all onto my computer for safe keeping.  An arduous task since converting analog to digital requires it be done in real time, which means...for the past week I have been sitting here, watching all these videos.  The first and most obvious thing that has struck me is how ridiculously good looking I am (an obvious conclusion also based on the treasure trove of love letters I just wrote about).  The second was that I had (and still have, most are the same today) some pretty hilarious and awesome friends.  We had some dang good times!  But the last and most disturbing thing, is that...I was kind of an obnoxious brat in high school.  Seriously, was I that annoying to everyone?  Or is there just something about watching yourself that makes you your own worst critic?  It's amazing I had any friends at all!  Good grief...   Anyways, it's been pretty fun watching all this stuff.  Some of these I have never even seen before.  Maybe I'll make a highlight reel and put it up someday.  Many of you are in them too, so I'd be happy to make some special edits upon request!


(p.s. this is not an open forum for agreeing with me and discussing how annoying you thought I was in high school)

Maui: Season 2 premier!

Ok here it is, only one year late!  This is the first installment of slideshows from my second year in Maui.  When I went back to Maui last year a bunch of my family members came out with me to attend my cousin Heather's wedding.  We also did a bunch of touristy stuff of course, including several days on Kauai.  It was a good time.  This slideshow is all from that time.

Maui: Season 2 Premier from LoPpsided on Vimeo.

Music Credits in order: "My Time with You" by Kina Grannis and David Choi, "Summer's Gone" by Aberfeldy, "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.